Little Women

I hate to admit that I recently read Little Women, for the first time. Yes, that's me. I know the story. I love the story. But, I only knew the story as seen in the movies. And, I must say, I have fallen completely in love with this classic. And, I wish someone had made me read it in high school, because it is that thought provoking. And then again, I wish in college someone had said, "Read Little Women." And again as a new wife. Now that I've found it, I will read it again and again. There is so much to learn about life from reading a story, a true classic story. A true classic story about a family. If you want to learn how to be a better mother, sister, friend, wife, daughter...read Little Women. If you're hurting in your relationships, read Little Women. If you're want to see the ins and outs of family life, read classic stories about family. (If you need a recommendation, read Laddie by Gene Statton Porter.)

My favorite part of the book is when Jo meets her temper head on. She's angry at her sister Amy. Amy burned her manuscript that she had worked so hard on in a vengeful act. Jo is not only crushed by the loss, but also angry. The next day Jo goes ice skating with her friend, Laurie, and Amy tags along, unwanted. Amy falls through the ice at Jo's own negligence. Laurie and Jo save Amy. And then, the most powerful conversation on anger takes place between Jo and her mom.

"Laurie did it all; I only let her go. Mother, if she should die, it would be my fault;" and Jo dropped down beside the bed, in a passion of penitent tears, telling all that had happened, bitterly condemning her hardness of heart, and sobbing out her gratitude for being spared the heavy punishment which might have come upon her."

"It's my dreadful temper! I try to cure it; I think I have, and then it breaks out worse than ever. Oh, mother! what shall I do! what shall I do?" cried poor Jo, in despair.

The conversation continues for 3 more pages. Mrs. March tells of her own weakness with anger and how she has worked 40 years to overcome it, how she still feels angry every day and hopes in 40 more years to not even feel the anger. She shares how her husband helps her remember to be the example to her daughters.

There in that conversation, my own struggle with anger is seen. It is real. It is human. It is honest. I am not alone. Best of all, the mother/daughter scene ends with pointing Jo towards her relationship with God. Mrs. March says,

"If I don't seem to need help (while her husband is away at war), it is because I have a better friend, even than father, to comfort and sustain me. My child, the troubles and temptations of your life are beginning, and may be many; but you can overcome and outlive them all, if you learn to feel the strength and tenderness of your Heavenly Father as you do that of your earthly one. The more you love and trust Him, the nearer you will feel to Him, and the less you will depend on human power and wisdom. His love and care never tire or change, can never be taken from you, but may become the source of lifelong peace, happiness, and strength. Believe this heartily, and go to God with all your little cares, and hopes, and sins, and sorrow, as freely and confidingly as you come to your mother."

Jo's only answer was to hold her mother close, and, in the silence which followed, the sincerest prayer she had ever prayed left her heart, without words; for in that sad, yet happy hour, she had learned not only the bitterness of remorse and despair, but the sweetness of self-denial and self-control; and, led by her mother's hand, she had drawn nearer to the Friend who welcomes every child with a love stronger than that of any father, tenderer than that of any mother.

Beautiful. In that moment, I found the mother I aspire to be to my own children, especially my daughters: to bring them closer to Heavenly Father and testify to them of His goodness, to share my own weaknesses and how I overcame them, weaknesses that are real. No study, no fact filled textbook could have done for me what that 1 chapter did.

Seeking Goodness and Perfection

My mind swirls each day as I seek for truth and search for the perfect way to live. I continue to find answers every where I turn, and I find the biggest answer is also the simplest. Simple because it's the same principles over and over again applied in a new way: the way that is right for my family and our circumstances. Here are some truths according to the Book of Mormon, which I believe, is the word of God:

• 2 Nephi 2:11  

For it must needs be that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, my first-born in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither good nor bad.

Look around you, you can see the opposition in all things. There is good and bad in every single thing; and in every single person. I witness my 7 year old run inside terrified of the bee outside: "It stings," she says. "It helps us have food to eat as it spreads pollen among all the plants, " I say. She sees the pain it brings. I see the good the bee does. I see the opposition in myself as I seek perfection. Even virtues can become vices. Lucy Wilson, age 12, wrote:

If all was quiet then there would be no peace.
For peace is only peaceful if it is rare
In the noisy bustle of life.
So if all was quiet, for the first day there would be peace.
But every day after would be chaos.

How is this so?

•  2 Nephi 2:25 - Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.

We live in an imperfect world, in a fallen state, yet we are here to have joy. But, how, how can we find joy with so much ugliness, hurt, pain and suffering in this imperfect world? How do we navigate the ugliness that must coexist with beauty?

• Moroni 7:12-13

(12) Wherefore, all things which are good cometh of God; and that which is evil cometh of the devil; for the devil is an enemy unto God, and fighteth against him continually, and inviteth and enticeth to sin, and to do that which is evil continually.
(13) But behold, that which is of God inviteth and enticeth to do good continually; wherefore, every thing which inviteth and enticeth to do good, and to love God, and to serve him, is inspired of God.

There has to be an opposition to testify to us that God is real. We have to know He is real to understand our purpose here. It doesn't matter what career you choose, car you drive, clothes you wear, where your kids go to school, how you choose to teach them true principles...the how, the small details are not as critical, but that we try our best to be and do good, and that as we try we see the good in what we are doing. No matter what we choose, there is good and bad in it. We choose what we seek and what we find. Are we seeking good in our lives? Are we seeking those things that will lead us to believe in God?

We cannot escape pain, sorrow, and the ugliness of the world we live in. We cannot escape the opposition. It serves a purpose. 

• Doctrine and Covenants 29:39 (another book I believe to be the word of God...full of modern day revelation from God to a prophet to lead and guide us)

For if they never should have bitter they could not know the sweet.

Here lies the beauty in all of this. My mind is swirling because I am growing. Swirls are circular - it makes me think of a drop of water falling into a pond: it ripples. Here is the beauty in this plan...this plan of salvation, which is God's work. There is only one perfect being who has ever lived in this fallen state: Jesus Christ. He teaches us, 

• Matthew 5:48

Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.

How is that beautiful? How is a commandment to be perfect, which is impossible by ourselves, and according to our standards, especially in this fallen existence so beautiful? 

• John 14:6 

Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

The only perfect being to live in this imperfect world, said He is the way. There is no other way. We cannot do it without Him.  We can trust Him because He is perfect. And He is the only person to have walked this earth that we can trust to fulfill the purpose of our existence.

What does this have to do with the ugliness and the beauty? It all lies in the same event. It is ugly. It is full of pain, and suffering and sorrow. It is mean and horrible. It is the same kind of opposition we experience. The same things we feel and have as we see and feel the opposition in this fallen world.

• Isaiah 55:3-5

(3) He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
(4) Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows; yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.
(5) But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

You can read about his life in the New Testament. You will find beauty in it. And you will find ugliness in his life. You can read about his ugly death specifically in Luke 22.

• John 15:13 

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

And it is beautiful because He suffered it for us. Because it is only by him that we can return back to live with our Father again. Because He loves us. He knew we could not do it alone.

We all seek perfection. We are looking for it in every area and aspect of our lives. We fret and stress and do study after study about our existence here. But we are going to the wrong source. We are not perfect. Every single study we do will testify of Him because there is goodness there. Yet we will not find Him there, unless we believe. There is no perfect way to do things as we go about our days, only perfect principles to guide us through our days. And a loving and perfect Savior, Jesus Christ. He will lead us. He will guide us. He is the only one that can.

Every one's journey is personal. The answers for each of us are different. We cannot judge each other. We must love each other, as we have been commanded. And in our own lives, we seek after the good, because it is only by seeing the good that we will come to know Him. 

We are seeking Him.

• 2 Nephi 2:12-14  

(12) Wherefore, it must needs have been created for a thing of naught; wherefore there would have been no purpose in the end of its creation. Wherefore, this thing must needs destroy the wisdom of God and his eternal purposes, and also the power and the mercy, and the justice of God.
(13) And if ye shall say there is no law, ye shall also say there is no sin, ye shall also say there is no righteousness. And if there be no righteousness there be no happiness. And if there be no righteousness nor happiness there be no punishment nor misery. And if these things are not there is no God. And if there is no God we are not, neither the earth; for there could have been no creation of things, neither to act nor to be acted upon; wherefore, all things must have vanished away.
(14) And now, my sons, I speak unto you these things for your profit and learning; for there is a God, and he hath created all things, both the heavens and the earth, and all things that in them are, both things to act and things to be acted upon.

God lives. He is real. And, when we feel as though no one else loves us, and we feel alone, and we see and witness the ugliness in the world that surrounds us. There is only One who can lift us out of that ugliness. As we seek and experience life here in mortality, may we all find Him. 

• John 14:27

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

Every time we find Him in our lives, we find peace. I choose to believe, because every time I'm weighed down by the sorrow and ugliness in the world, the weight is only ever lifted when I believe.

Healthy Discussion

In my studying this past week I've come across an idea and found it truly lacking....even within myself. I'm amazed at our inability to have healthy discussions and conversations. There is no equal ground of sharing thoughts. Instead, we find ourselves quick to take offense, make a point, and shut down any door in another's mind that was beginning to open and explore an idea, a thought, or even simply express a feeling. Instead we say by our actions, "No, don't think that. Don't go there. Stop it. Don't change. Don't rock the boat." In our quick response, we may not realize that we are shutting down the power within us and within each other. Thinking is powerful. As we know, homeostasis is more comfortable and change can be hard.

Now, you may be thinking that I'm being extreme here, but I saw it in myself. Even as I tried to open a discussion. I was quick to take offense. I shut down the conversation. And, I was wrong. It left hurt feelings on multiple sides. Hopefully, I was able to continue the conversation and heal the hurt that started, but I cannot know where it left the other people involved. But I do know, I continued the conversation after I thought about it more and tried to move it passed that point. I moved passed that point. And I hope the others involved continued sharing their thoughts and asking questions until they were able to move passed that point.

The quote I heard, shared and attempted to spark a conversation with, "It's a win-win as we have conversations with people who are different from us." Through those conversations we all become stronger. Our thoughts evolve, our behavior evolves. Understanding can grow if we seek to understand. We all have different perspectives. These glasses through which we view the world need adjusted. As anyone who wears glasses knows, the only way for the glasses to be adjusted is to share what the world looks like from where we are, the person helping us, then adjusts the glasses and we try them on again. This cycle of response and feedback continues until the owner of the glasses is satisfied with their view.

So, friends, I am welcoming discussion in my life. More of it. And hopefully more healthy discussion where I am less likely to take offense, more likely to understand the the view of those around me, and hopefully adjust my own glasses through the process. 

Core Books

A side note from my story. We each have core books or a core book. In them, we find the guidance we need in our lives. It opens the door to heaven. It allows God to speak to us. He can tell us what is right for our family. He can tell us what is right for a child. He can tell us what He needs us to do - our mission. And the more we search, ponder and pray over our core books, the more direction He gives us for our lives. The clearer everything becomes. My answers are not your answers. Go to the source - your core books and pray to be directed. Answers will come. You will find "aid stations" along the way. It may be through things you read; it may be as you watch others; and it may be as you find parallels in your life with theirs. Think and feel it out with your heart and mind. Dig deep and then dig deeper.

My core books consist of the King James Version of the Bible, The Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, Pearl of Great Price and the words spoken by my living prophet. The resources found on The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints website also serve as a core in our family. 

God loves us. We are His children. We lived with Him before coming to earth. We loved Him there. How do we know? Because we are here. We are here to be tested, to see if we will choose Him and His plan again. He weeps because we hate each other. He weeps because His children are not choosing Him. I choose Him every day as I study my core books and counsel with Him in my God-given role as a wife and mother. Yet, we are not perfect. We are going to make mistakes. I do every day. So, because He loves us so much and wants us to live with Him again, He provided for us a Savior, Jesus Christ. He is the light and the path back to our Father in Heaven. Only through Him can we return to God again. Jesus Christ lives! During his life he spent his time doing his "Father's work", he was crucified, and he rose again and conquered death. Through him, we can do the same. I'm grateful for the knowledge my Heavenly Father has given me of the truthfulness of His plan. And so, I try my best to think the best of others and to love them the best I can. Because only then, will we know that we have a  Heavenly Father who loves us. And our faith and confidence in His love will grow.

Responsibility to Seek, Live, Share and Defend Truth

In General Conference I learned a powerful truth that witnessed to me why I need to follow through and share. Sister Cheryl A. Esplin said, "Many of us have been baptized and have received the gift of the Holy Ghost, whose role it is to reveal and teach the truth of all things.2 With the privilege of that gift comes the responsibility to seek truth, to live the truth we know, and to share and defend the truth."

So, here I go...

Let me first introduce myself briefly. I am a mother of 4 children: a 7 year old daughter, 3 year old boy/girl twins, and a 4 month old baby boy. I was home schooled for 2 years: 5th and 6th grade. I was part of Benjamin Franklin Academy which was run by Glenn Kimber. My mom worked for him doing trainings and administrative things. I met Cleon Skousen and fell in love with all things about an agency education. I attended many trainings with my mother and it must have sunk deeper into me than I knew at the time. I loved listening to Brent DeGraff teach about US History and God’s hand in the establishment of our country. Long story short, I went back to public school. Every year I prayed and longed to be home schooled, but it wasn’t the Lord’s plan for me. Flash forward a few years and as a young mother, I sent my oldest to kindergarten. We live in Iowa; it’s full day kindergarten. We fell apart. She lost her trust in me and believed I knew nothing. She cried on the weekends because she was not at school. I always planned to home school my children….eventually. As I pondered and prayed to know what to do I was led to this blog. Her words about why she home schools cut like a knife. I knew I had to test her words and experience. I knew my answer was to home school…NOW. It was time.

Phrases

With the home schooling seed planted, I always knew within my heart that I would home school my children at some point in time. I did not know when, but my heart was open to receiving the answer that it was time.

In the fall of 2012 I really started to be taught by the spirit as I studied phrases that would lead me to where I am today. "The scriptures are filled with truth." "Live by doctrine, not circumstance." Spring of 2013, I listened to a talk, "Because She is a Mother" and acknowledged that I was struggling. This was not at all what I had longed for as a child. And, it was me. I needed to make changes. Luckily, I knew Heavenly Father loved me for the hard work I was doing as a mother.

I began searching, listening, studying more intently, questioning, writing, pondering, and feeling. I had to know how to be a better mother and the mother that Heavenly Father needed me to be. He knows me. He knows my children. He knew what our family needed. And I knew I needed the strengthening power of the atonement to lift me.

One night while rocking my precious baby boy and reflecting on his surgeries and happy nature, I had this strong confirmation from the spirit that Heavenly Father made him to handle the challenges he had been given. I then knew that I too was made for the challenges I had been given. I then came to a deeper understanding of Heavenly Father's love for me and the confidence he has in me.

And then in a wave of question and answer sessions in my journal, I could see so many changes to begin implementing to strengthen our home and family. And I am still implementing everything that was given to me during that time.

Letter to a friend

In a letter to a friend one finds simple pleasures, comfort and an open and honest heart. I write to that friend in each of our hearts today. We are each writing our own story. Each story will be different; each life shaped by the Hands of God. As we seek Him to mold our lives, our stories and our families we pluck the sweet fruits that only the love of God bares. This is the story of how Heavenly Father reached into my life, touched my heart and led me to where He needs me to be today and is molding me into the woman He knows I am.

My story starts when I was eleven years old and a seed was planted deep in my heart. It was my first experience with home school. It was a seed that not only changed who I was then, but has brought me to a deeper knowledge of who I am now.  

It was during this first experience with home school that I learned what it was to be taught by the spirit. As I listened to my teachers fill my heart with stories about our founding fathers, as I studied from the scriptures and learned the voice of the spirit, I fell in love with spirit-led learning. For me, it guided me through some challenging secular classes later on that belittled my faith and the faith of my fathers.

Written on my Heart

There are phrases that have been written on my heart that have guided me during this last year as I searched and prayed to be led to the best way to teach my children and raise them to know their Savior and their loving Father in Heaven. I would like to say that these phrases were spoken gently to my heart and mind as I've gone through this process, but they weren't spoken gently. They spoke so forcefully to my soul that I could not argue with the direction I was being given. In the beginning, one such phrase was simple, "Love is spelled T-I-M-E" (Uchtdorf). My relationship with my oldest was suffering because of a simple lack of time as she attended kindergarten and lost her attachment to our family.

Recently, there is a new phrase. It comes from me as a child, as a youth and has always been the desire of my heart. Simply, "I want to stay home so that I can raise my children." I cannot tell you how many times I was told that was selfish of me and not feasible in the future, but I clung to it. It was all my growing heart wanted. For me, I have realized this year that my desire is being granted by a loving Father in Heaven that has communicated with me that home school is what is right for my family. It's what He needs our family to do. It's allowing me to be their prime teacher. A place that, as a mother, is rightfully mine. Given by a loving Father in Heaven as He sent these children here, to me, to my heart, to my home, for my husband and I to nurture and protect.